Minnesota RollerGirls - Flat-track, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul

The Atomic Bombshells entered their match against Garda Belts with the worst record of the league; 0-2 with a near triple-digit negative point differential. With two matches to play, they still held hope alive; two large wins could send them to the championship, as long as GBs lost to the Rockits in March. Now, GBs have had a brilliant year thus far as they begin to capitalize on a staff built in the last two seasons. One more win...any win...would be all they need to move forward.

So with a significant advantage in their favor and accompanied by their traditional bagpipers, the Garda Belts rolled into the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium to a wild cheer from their fans...but for once, it was the Atomic Bombshells who would set the tone for the match as they burst through an orange banner displaying a bombed-out shamrock. Even when GB blocker Tiki Torture talked a bit of good-natured trash with ABS co-captain Misfit Maiden, or when ABS rookie L'Exi-Cuter flashed "Kiss me, I'm a Bombshell" shorts under her mini-skirt to the Irish Threat's bench, the teams showed a laudible comraderie that continued through this intense game.

The bout began as GB jammer Suzie Smashbox stepped to the line against Jocelyn D'Jewels. Suzie was sent sprawling by Jocelyn's teammate Diamond Rough, establishing a rivalry that would last throughout the match. Suzie recovered, took the lead, and scored five against Jocelyn before L'exi-Cuter killed her momentum. Hanna Belle Lector took another four points for GBs as her teammate Demora Liza held back ABS vet CleoSPLATra.

Caught for track-cutting on a mistimed whip from Tiki Torture in the next jam, Smashbox went to the penalty box. The power jam opportunity opened the way for jammer L'Exi-Cuter to score a grand slam with the aid of screens from her fellow rookies Skullateral Damage and Tara Skatesov Suzie flew from the box at the beginning of the next jam, and took an additional five, while ABS scored only three. GBs in front, 13-7.

Jocelyn D'Jewels returned against a third consecutive jam from Suzie Smashbox. Jocelyn leapt through the pack and scored four points as L'exi delayed Suzie just long enough to deny the GB a scoring run...but then GBs went on a bit of a tear. Demora Liza, unable to compete last month, took control of a power jam to score eight unanswered points for her GBs. GBs 21, ABS 11.

GB rookie Rita Rawkus took a lead and scored four, but couldn't fully break through the pack again to circle back for a third pass. Suzie Smashbox jammed three more times in the period, two of which had no lead jammer. Although the Bombshells threw their best blockers in Suzie's way, the Garda star nonetheless accumulated sixteen points to the ABS' eight during her three jams. Not everything was roses for GBs; Rumblebee was ejected for getting called on four majors in fifteen minutes. GBs 41, ABS 19 at halftime.

With the first half complete, the Garda Belts had pushed past the Atomic Bombshells with a lengthy salvo of jamming from Suzie Smashbox. Smashbox scored seven more than the entire ABS lineup in seven of the ten jams in the half. The blocking staff for GBs continued to play the rotating, overlapping defensive game that we've come to see this season. If a GB could hold back a jammer in the front for more than a moment, she was soon joined by a second or third blocker.

Suzie and Jocelyn D'Jewels started the second half. Jocelyn ran into her own team, giving Suzie enough time to take the lead. Jocelyn soon jinked past GB blocker Tiki Torture and broke out of the pack. Although Suzie tends to call a jam well before the opposing jammer becomes a scoring threat, Diamond Rough, Misfit Maiden, and Shady O'Dread were causing her enough problems on the scoring run that Jocelyn scored before Suzie could put her hands to her hips.

Suzie then went to the very front of the pack as a blocker and deliberately stepped across the front line before the next jam began to take a trip to the penalty box. This is a common trick used by jammer specialists to 'cleanse' themselves of minors before they take the next jam so that don't get sent to the box because of a minor penalty. Unfortunately for the GBs, CleoSPLATra used the empty spaces in the GB pack to find a good line and score three points for ABS. She then called off the jam, trapping Suzie as a blocker in the penalty box. 47-26.

With Suzie stuck, GBs called on Rumblebee to jam against L'Exi-Cuter; L'Exi took the lead, but both scored four points and Suzie Smashbox again returned to the penalty box during the jam as she attempted to take L'Exi on. ABS Mae Gusta became lead jammer against Rita Rawkus, but scored five to Rita's four as they failed again to call the jam before the GBs could begin their scoring run. With 12 minutes left on the clock, ABS had only come back by inches, 55-35.

Suzie Smashbox, freed from her dire turn as a blocker, came to the line against Jocelyn D'Jewels and kicked in her well-rested top gear. As Suzie scored nine points against the pack, her teammate Tiki Torture took down Jocelyn before the jammer could re-engage the pack properly. Mae Gusta responded in the next jam for ABS as the refs sent her opponent Hanna Belle Lector to Gram's Kitchen. Mae grabbed the opportunity, scoring eight unanswered points. 64-45.

With seven minutes remaining, L'Exi-Cuter took on Suzie Smashbox and grabbed the lead jam. However, seeing Tiki as the first point of opposition and with Suzie only seconds behind, L'Exi called it off before her opponent could score. CleoSPLATra then attempted to narrow the gap, but fell both to Optimiss Crime's takedown and the referees as she was sent to the box for accumulation of penalties. Rita Rawkus took the lead and the opportunity to score four quick points unopposed...and trapped the ABS veteran jammer in the box for the next jam. Suzie took to the jammer line unopposed and scored another eight points to Cleo's accumulated two. Despite a remarkable double grand-slam from L'Exi-Cuter to end the game, the Garda Belts took a well-deserved victory lap as they achieved what no Garda team has done since the very first season: reserve a spot in the season championship. Final score 76-57.

Lots of fine play here; the Gardas continue to improve their pack play as more blockers learn to assist the pivot. Suzie, of course, put up almost fifty points by herself. Fans would do well to watch the Bombshells; this is a team that has put itself back together from scratch in the past three bouts. They are just about ready to gel into something quite dangerous on the flat track. Will that be in time for their third-place bout in April? Keep watching from the stands.

Now, the Rockits and Dagger Dolls entered this match as long-time foes. Over the past year, there has been a lot of drama on the track between these two storied teams. Many remember Scootaloo's takedown of Jawbreaker last year that got her ejected. Certainly, the teams exemplify the two related ideals of the new derby; heart-stopping athletic execution on the part of the Rockits and a devil-may-care joie d'vivre from the Dolls. With differences in philosophy, tensions can rise each time the Dolls and Rockits meet. With a trip to the Championship on the line (the Dolls 0-2, the Rockits 2-0 with a significant point differential), perhaps it was inevitable that the game took an unusual turn.

Harmony Killerbruise, first jammer for the Rockits, fairly flew past the pack, scoring a double slam right off the bat. Dolls jammer Roxanne Rolls found herself tripped up by one of Vuedoo Prodigy's pouncing takedowns...and got sent to the penalty box to boot. Jawbreaker followed up, threading past Wonderbroad and Candi Pain and scoring four before Roxanne could return from the box for a scoring run. Rockit co-captains Harmony and Dudezilla added another seven unanswered points in the next two jams as their teammates continued to find ways to isolate the opposing jammers far from the pack. Eight minutes into the game, the Rockits were up 21-0.

The Dolls called a timeout and conferred. Over the next two jams, Doll jammers found ways to take the lead (Roxanne by racing Jawbreaker to the front, Psycho Novia by taking a fast outside line on the back turn) and put points up. However, in their frenzy to get on the board, they both allowed the Rockits to get ahead of them and score more points. 28-3.

The Rockits just kept coming, and the Dolls did not have answers for their unyielding march. Vuedoo Prodigy, normally a back blocker, donned again the jammer helmet and slammed the Dolls as Mary Tyler Roar fell prey to Rockit blocker Killahertz. Killahertz and MTR tangled many times, and the redheaded Rockit seemed to have a well-timed block or takedown for the renowned Doll jammer each time. Jawbreaker and Scootaloo reacquainted themselves at the jammer line as JB almost crowded Scoots off of the track before the jam. Scootaloo, having none of it, responded in the jam with what could best be described as a clothesline, sending the Doll to the penalty box and giving Jawbreaker a power jam opportunity. JB scored ten unopposed, and further ran a Doll blocker off the track. Roxanne and Dudezilla took to the line next. Both fell afoul of the other teams' blockers as Vuedoo jumped Roxanne, while Lydia Punch and Wonderbroad gamely held back Dudezilla for a time. Eventually, Dudezilla scored four. 47-3.

And the march continued. Neither Harmony nor Mary Tyler Roar took the next lead. However, Killahertz dinked MTR out into a penalty, giving Harmony another power jam and a full minute to cash in the unopposed time. Harmony double-slammed...and then Jawbreaker returned for the last jam to score nineteen points unanswered as the game entered halftime. Amazing.

With the score 76-3 at the half, it was hard to imagine a comeback. The Rockits had been outplaying the Dolls at every level, particularly in regard to blocking. With six experienced players out of commission, the able blockers of the Dolls were spread too thin to be able to play effective D against the Rockits' scorers. The Rockits scored in every jam during the first half. What's more, the Rockit blockers had somehow stepped it up yet again. Trinity Knox and Killahertz in particular were everywhere in the pack.

The second half began as the first half ended. Harmony Killerbruise looped from the outside through the pack and took the lead. Mary Tyler Roar expertly dipped past a hit from Vuedoo Prodigy, only to be caught up by Jawbreaker. In the ensuing mayhem, MTR got another penalty while Harmony scored another double slam for ten. With a gap of over eighty points between the teams, the Rockits began to put out their players who we rarely see at the jammer line in earnest. Rockit and All-star stalwart Abbie Mischief put up seven unanswered points despite pressure from Candi Pain in the front as MTR languished in the penalty box. Soylent Mean took the star next, racing against Roxanne Rolls. Both scored three. Doll rookie Psycho Novia took the next lead and - with the aid of Norah Torious - scored two, but her opponent stole four. Rockits 102 - Dolls 8.

Abbie Mischief and MTR came to the line next, but whatever happened at the beginning of that jam was quickly forgotten as the entire Dagger Doll team bum-rushed the track. For those of you from out of town, it's Dagger tradition to dance through the team's introduction, and I believe the women of the Dagger Dolls saw the writing on the wall, so they decided that they wanted to leave as they came in, with heads held high and following the Dagger Dolls' unofficial creed, "DOLLS LOVE FUN."

But the referees had no idea how to handle this. On one hand, the event was essentially a team-wide unsportswomanlike penalty with fans still in the stands and ten minutes still on the board. On the other, the Dolls were requesting a forfeit...and so, as the Dagger Dolls stormed the penalty box with grins on their faces, head ref Spike ejected captain Candi Pain and Shiver Me Kimbers for the action that started the dance break - leaving the box early - and called for the game to go on. I'm not sure what else could have been done, but the crowd nonetheless seemed to enjoy the Doll's nerve and appreciate their heart; I saw a lot of nodding - if quizzical - heads in the crowd.

Roxanne Rolls took on Dudezilla and grabbed the lead, jinking past Rockit blockers and scoring four unanswered points as Dude fell to Sinnamin's blocking. Harmony responded with her third double slam as Killahertz and Vuedoo Prodigy took turns working on the Dolls. Mary Tyler Roar broke through the pack in the next jam first, but an encounter with Jawbreaker gave Abbie Mischief an opportunity to take the lead; Abbie called off the jam. Soylent Mean returned to the jammer line against Psycho Novia. Soylent broke the pack despite Norah Torious and Wonderbroad's efforts to slow her, and scored nine more points for the Rockits before Novia took the lead and called the jam.

And as the game rolled towards its end, the Rockits picked up one more grand-slam+ jam. Final score: 129-12.

The Dolls' unexpected dance was not the only highlight of this match. We saw some players in pink step up their game; Psycho Novia and fellow Dagger Doll Shiver Me Kimbers worked visibly to match wits and pace with the Rockits. But the game went to the astounding workrate of their opponents. The Red wall of the Rockits' defense stopped the Dolls in their tracks, while their jammers found many routes through the Dagger Doll blockers. Harmony Killerbruise alone skated four double-digit jams in the game.

This was a rout and the Dolls may well need to work out their blocking issues before the games in March and April against the Atomic Bombshells, while the women in orange will need to work out a way to stop the Dollys' jammers. Meantime, the captains of the Rockits and the Garda Belts will be studying tape and dissecting their opponents' methods in the run-up to April's season championship. The Golden Skate beckons.