Minnesota RollerGirls - Flat-track, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul

On December 13th, the eighty women of the Minnesota RollerGirls donned again the colors of their home teams; Garda Green, Dolly Pink, Bombshells in biohazard orange, and Rockits in shiny red. The slate's been cleared and - at the start of the night - each team had no wins and no losses to their name. The long trek to April's season championship began anew.

Before the opening bouts, fans were treated to a stunt show by the Alt Bike and Board Team as well a Queen of the Rink exhibition by the Twin City Terrors. Some early scrimmaging by the Twin Cities' only man-derby team showed off the skill hard-earned through training with their coaches. Our own referee Rocky Whorer took the final bout of QotR, while our janitorial commando Wet Spot, Texas sensation Johnny Pocket Rocket, Wernher von Bombed, Bruce Knuckles, and the man-beast Killsbury Doughboy all did their team proud.

The very first bout brought together a rematch of last year's season championship. The Rockits have changed their team very little over the ensuing months; only Trinity Knox joined the team from the rookie draft. Not so the Dagger Dolls. While Dagger Doll stalwarts Lydia Punch and Candi Pain still anchor the front (without sidewoman Barbie Brawl this year, on extended leave), the Dolls are depending more on the work of newer players like Mary Tyler Roar, Wonderbroad, and Sparkle Ninja to extend the legacy of the Pink girls.

Rockit Harmony Killerbruise and Dagger Doll Scootaloo bumped knuckles as they took to the line for the first jam of the home season. Harmony got caught briefly by Doll rookie Psycho Novia, then stepped outside and laid on the speed for the lead jam. While Harmony began lapping the pack, Frau Scientits sat on (that is, booty-blocked a jammer so closely and so matching of her stride that the jammer loses momentum and speed) Scootaloo long enough for Jawbreaker to take up bothering the Dolly jammer. Before Scootaloo could break the pack, Harmony completed a full slam and called off the jam in just over a minute. Doll Sparkle Ninja and Rockit Jawbreaker sparred next; JB read a move to the outside from the Doll pack on Corner 3 and walked through the inside to take the lead. Speeding through the pack a second time, Jawbreaker took four and called it. Dudezilla took the third lead of the game for the Rockits while Vuedoo Prodigy blindsided Doll jammer Roxanne Rolls, spinning her out to the crowd with a brutal shoulder block. Rolls recovered and took two while Dude attempted her second scoring lap for nine points. With five minutes gone from the half, the Rockits had taken a quick lead, 18-2.

Mary Tyler Roar stepped to the line next for the Dolls, jamming against Harmony. Rockit back blocker Honeydew Felon dinked MTR outside, and put on the brakes - trapping her several yards ahead with the threat of a track-cutting foul. This maneuver kept Mary back while Harmony took the lead. MTR nonetheless still broke the pack seconds later, allowing Harmony to only score two unanswered points. JB broke through in the following jam for nine unanswered points. The Rockits were using a lot of the experience taken from the All-Star bouts and translating it into an unusually efficient defensive strategy. Although Sparkle Ninja would score three points to Dudezilla's two in the next jam (bringing the score to 31-5), the Dolls did not score again for the remainder of the period.

Roxanne was sent to the penalty box in the following jam, giving Harmony a hard-fought five points as Sinnamin and Fixie Chic began to zero in on the Rockits. As the minutes ticked away, however, Honeydew continued to contain the Doll jammers in almost every jam long enough for the other Rockits to get their own jammer through the pack first. Once the Doll jammer broke through, the jam would be called off by the Rockits before the Doll could re-engage the pack. Roxanne Rolls got the very first lead for the Dolls in the final jam of the period, but what appeared to be a miscommunication ended the jam before Roxanne could capitalize. At the end of the first half, the Rockits had a commanding lead on the Dagger Dolls, 55-5, as the two teams went to the back and the track reset for the next bout.

The Dagger Dolls sent Roxanne to the line against Harmony Killerbruise as the Rockit/DD second half began; Harmony skidded past a hard shoulder from Scootaloo and took the lead, while Roxanne found problems on the outside in the person of Scarmen Hellectra. Harmony reemerged into the pack and pulled four unanswered points. Mary Tyler Roar jammed next against Jawbreaker, and slipped through the defense with aid from Doll captain Candi Pain. Jawbreaker busted through moments later and took precious seconds away from the Dolls as she went jammer-on-jammer with MTR. JB pushed too hard and got sent to the box, giving Mary a chance to grab three points on a power jam. With Jawbreaker still in the box, Doll rookie Psycho Novia took to the line unopposed and struggled against Honeydew and Soylent Mean before JB re-emerged from the penalty box, scored five (taking lead in the process), and called off the jam. Rockits 65-8.

Sparkle Ninja went to the line against Harmony Killerbruise. Sparkle Ninja escaped through a depleted Rockit defense and grabbed the lead while Harmony slammed into a very, very confident Dolly blocking staff. While Sparkle Ninja double-slammed, Harmony was held back by Fixie Chic, Wonderbroad, Candi, and Sweet Justice. Having just lost ten points to the Ninja, the Rockits called time out.

After an inconclusive jam, Mary Tyler Roar took on Dudezilla. Now, the Rockits had been using the track-cutting rules to their advantage throughout the game. They attempted to send MTR on a forced track cut through an inside corner - bumping her out of bounds and back in where she would be in an illegal position. Mary stopped just short and then took the lead and three points before Dude could follow up. Psycho Novia then took her first hometeam lead jam against Harmony, but could not take points before Harmony caught up, so called off the jam.

Jawbreaker jammed against Sparkle Ninja, and caught Fixie Chic and Candi Pain looking for just long enough to speed past them on the inside. Rockit blocker Vuedoo Prodigy sent Sparkle spinning to the ground, giving Jawbreaker enough time to get four points. However, just as JB was attempting to make a second run, Scootaloo pulled her long-time rival down, sending Scootaloo to the penalty box and ending the jam. Roxanne Rolls led the next jam, grabbing three points while Dudezilla's pass ran afoul of Doll Rookie Shiver Me Kimbers and Sweet Justice. With only a few minutes remaining, the Dolls sent Mary Tyler Roar to the line; although she did score two, Harmony Killerbruise took the lead and four points…followed by ten unanswered points by Jawbreaker to end the game, 83-26. The Rockits won this game on defense; they played a solid jamming game, but it was the clever back-of-the-pack hitting of Honeydew Felon and Vuedoo Prodigy that stopped the Dagger Dolls so utterly in the first half, followed by the work of Rizzo, Killahertz, Jawbreaker, and Scarmen Hellectra that kept the door shut in the second half.

The Atomic Bombshells ended their last season in fourth, a far cry from being season champions. The team has gone through a massive restructuring as veterans from the front of the pack and the back have retired or gone inactive. Co-captains Mitzi Massacre and Misfit Maiden have brought in seven new players to boot. With only a few familiar faces from the last season taking their places in the lines, the first test of the new regime would be against the Garda Belts who defeated them in the consolation bout in April. The Garda Belts also shifted leadership to third-year vets Suzie Smashbox and Citizen Pain, but kept much more of their team together for this season.

Flora Flipabitch and Demora Liza donned the pivot covers as strong teams of blockers - Misfit, Chinese Takeout, and Venus Thightrap (formerly Sugar Cain) for the ABS; Hanna Belle, Citizen, and Tiki Torture for the girls in green - entered into formation against Mitzi Massacre and Suzie Smashbox for their first jam. The whistles blew, and the jammers immediately hit walls. Mitzi got juggled by Tiki and and Hanna Belle, whilst Suzie ran afoul of Misfit and Venus. So fast was this first jam that Misfit and Venus got caught by a 20-foot trap from the Gardas as the ABS duo too easily matched Suzie's stride. Suzie then flashed through for five points just as Mitzi broke past Tiki Torture. Jocelyn D'Jewels took to the line against GB vet Rumblebee. Chinese Takeout and the ABS defense continued to drop Rumblebee to the outside, forcing her to re-engage three times while Jocelyn took the lead. Jocelyn took the advantage to gain nine points to Rumblebee's two.

With the ABS slightly ahead, Mitzi and Suzie returned to the jamming line. Tiki Torture started to hound the ABS jammer, giving Suzie enough time to take the lead and five points. ABS vet CleoSPLATra took on Hanna Belle next at the line. Cleo deftly wove through the pack and took the lead, scoring four right back. L'Exi-Cuter - another ABS rookie - headed to the jam line against Suzie. Although Calamity Crush and Jocelyn tried hard to knock Suzie out during the initial pass, Smashbox took the lead and pulled off a slam, then directed to try for two as L'exi struggled while Oneika X, Demora Liza, and Citizen pinned her to the inside of the track. Suzie pulled off the double slam and called off the jam just as yet another ABS rookie (pivot Diamond Rough) sent her flying towards the crowd.
With the Garda Belts inching ahead again, the Bombshells sent Mae Gusta to the line against Rumblebee. Mae took the lead (how good are these rookies?), but did not call off the jam in time after getting an initial two to steal more points than Rumblebee. Each took four. Jocelyn D'Jewels then jammed against Suzie and was given a huge power jam opportunity as Smashbox was sent to the box. Jocelyn was able to snag four points before going to the box herself, bringing the score to 26-21. Suzie then pulled four points right back as Jocelyn (as jammer from the last jam) cooled her heels with a penalty. Mitzi snagged the lead next against Rumblebee and scored five points while Rumblebee got four. In the final jam, Rumblebee took four points as well, sending the teams to the locker rooms at halftime with the Garda Belts holding a decent lead over the Bombshells, 38-26.

With only twelve points between the Bombshells and the Garda Belts, the second bout was anyone's game. Jocelyn D'Jewels started the match unopposed at the line with Rumblebee still in the box from the previous half and took three points. Rumblebee finished her penalty and took four points herself before Jocelyn had the presence to call off the jam. Hanna Belle led the next jam while her teammate Rumblebee sent ABS jammer Mae Gusta off into the dead zone, forcing her to re-engage the entire pack. Hanna Belle grand-slammed the Bombshells and called it off as Mae finally broke through the pack. Suzie Smashbox took the next lead but was tricked into a track-cut by Venus Thigh Trap as she took four points, giving opposing jammer CleoSPLATra enough time to answer with four points of her own. With Suzie in the box, Venus Thigh Trap took to the jammer line and faded through the pack for a quick lead. As Suzie re-emerged, just half a lap behind, Thigh Trap took four unanswered points and called off the jam. With just over ten minutes remaining, the Garda Belts had inched just a bit further ahead, 51-37.

ABS jammer Jocelyn returned to the line against Rumblebee and, with a burst of speed that appears to be her hallmark, took the lead while ABS co-captain Misfit Maiden held back the veteran Garda jammer. Rumblebee broke through for the first time just as Jocelyn attempted to go for her first scoring run. Running first into Optimiss Crime, then Tiki Torture, Jocelyn did not notice her opponent coming around from behind and taking four points off the back of the Bombshells. Jocelyn finally also scored four and called off the jam. However, the Garda Belts then went on a 17-0 scoring binge over the next three jams as ABS jammers Mitzi Massacre and Venus were sent to the box. Despite some inspired assistance and blocking by Bombshell rookies Mae Gusta and Diamond Rough, Suzie Smashbox (with a double slam) and Hanna Belle Lector brought the Garda Belts out of danger and safely to victory. Despite a remarkable double slam from Jocelyn D'Jewels in the final jam, the Garda Belts took their first win of the year, 72-51. There's a lot to like in this new iteration of the Atomic Bombshell lineup. They've got new jammers to play next to Cleo and Mitzi, blockers that can hang with Misfit, Calamity, and even a rookie will to pivot in Diamond Rough. However. All of that raw talent was not enough to take down an extremely nasty Garda Belt defense headed by Hanna Belle, Optimiss Crime, Citizen Pain, and Tiki Torture. Enough can't be said about Tiki's workrate in this match. The off-color Garda Belt followed opposing jammers from one end of the pack to the other, willing to attack anything orange and starry.

After the track was torn down, the RollerGirls and members of the TC Terrors headed down to Station 4 for PBRs, polka music, and Oscar the Mechanical Bull. Many thanks to the staff at Station 4 for throwing a full-on virtual cow at a bunch of city-slickers; it may have just been the beer, but the post-show entertainment was some of the best I've yet seen. The MN RollerGirls play next on January 24th as the Rockits spar against the triumphant Garda Belts while the Dagger Dolls try to bring the hurt to the Atomic Bombshells. Derby fans, we hope to see you there.

Reporting from the exact geographical center of Roller Derby in America,
Garrison Killer