Minnesota RollerGirls - Flat-track, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul

Dolls, Rockits Book Date For April in Two Defensive Thrillers
For those of you anxiously awaiting the news ... yes, the Dagger Dolls and the Rockits are in the finals. The Dolls played a fantastic match, beating the Atomic Bombshells by shutting down the their jammers’ threat. The Rockit defense suffocated the Garda Belts with another stunning showcase of defensive prowess.

Bout #1: Atomic Bombshells vs Dagger Dolls
For those of you joining in a little late to Minnesota derby, the Dagger Dolls and the Atomic Bombshells have what sports announcers like to call ‘a little history.’ In 2006, the Atomic Bombshells snatched two of the best and brightest from the Dollies – Marilyn Monrogue and Lizzy the Axe – and the Bombshells took them and beat the tar out of everyone last season. There’s some bad blood there, and fans returning to the Roy were looking forward to Monrogue and Candi Pain having some words – and maybe a little more – out there on the track.

Lizzy started well for the Bombshells, taking the lead from Sparkle Ninja before getting caught up by the Dagger Doll defense. Lizzy decided against ending the jam prematurely, and it almost cost her as Sparkle flashed through the pack. The jam ended, however, with each making seven points.

Mitzi Massacre took her first turn around the track jamming for ABS against Doll Rebel Stella shortly thereafter. Stella fell into trouble with Misfit Maiden booty-blocking and cutting off her momentum as Mitzi took lead jammer. Massacre, however, could not capitalize on the lead as time for the jam ran out. Rebel Stella would be plagued throughout the match by veterans Buffy the Vampire Skater and Misfit cutting her speed every other jam. Misfit would go on to pull 11 blocks for the Atomic Bombshells.

As the first half continued, the Dagger Dolls began to pull away from the Atomic Bombshells. ABS jammers would get minor gains as they pinged past Dolls accruing penalties in Grandma’s Kitchen, but then the Dolls would respond by taking a lead, scoring points, and ending the jam.

With eleven minutes to go, Sparkle Ninja took a jam against Mitzi Massacre. As the volatile pack turned to their opponents, Ninja took the inside line at the turns and walked through the chaos to extend the Dolls’ lead. The very next jam, Scootaloo – doing a tremendous job as a Doll blocker – broke the momentum of ABS jammer Cleosplatra with an illegal hit as ‘Splatra tried to keep pace with Rebel Stella. Mary Tyler Roar continued the pace as Lizzy the Axe struggled against Lydia Punch and the Dolls’ defense.

At this point, the score was 26-17 with the Dolls leading . After an inconclusive jam between Buffy and Scootaloo that had Buffy coming up against a wall named Wonderbroad. Scootaloo was unable to lap the pack before time was called. At the end of the first half, the Atomic Bombshells were behind by eleven, 32-21. While both defenses were doing a tremendous job of shutting down the jammers, Sparkle Ninja and Mary Tyler Roar in particular were still trickling by, grabbing points in gobs of fives and sixes to buoy the Dagger Dolls’ lead.

Whatever it was that the Bombshells put in their PBR during halftime seemed to work as Lizzy the Axe and Cleosplatra responded 1-2 with ten unanswered points to start the second half. The Bombshell defense terrorized the Dolls for five minutes, and I need to take just a moment to spotlight The Bonesetter and rookie Chinese Takeout. #138 and #$1.00 (respectively) have for the past two bouts been skating in formation at the front line of the ABS defense and have done more than their fair share of damage, including a beautiful hit on Rebel Stella in the second jam of the half. Watch for the pair in the next bout. While Bonesetter’s been a stalwart in the ABS defense, Chinese Takeout’s a new player that needs to be watched by the derby faithful.

Mary Tyler Roar and Mitzi Massacre took another four apiece as the final ten minutes approached, the score Dolls 36 – ABS 35. In the following jam, Scootaloo flew past an illegal hit by Marilyn Monrogue, ran into a bone-jarring ‘correction’ from the Bonesetter, yet still scored a couple of points to push the Dolls a bit ahead. Two minutes later, Sparkle Ninja scored three on the ABS in similar fashion as she rope-a-doped Calamity Crush, sending her sprawling. Betty Bruiser, Ninja’s opposing Jammer, fell victim to Barbie Brawl. Barbie, a long-time vet of the Dagger Dolls, had an outstanding night as front blocker and launched many Bombshells into the crowd for Wet Spot to mop up after.

Fixie Chic put a screen on Bombshell jammer Mitzi through the next jam, keeping the veteran from scoring just long enough for Rebel Stella to take three more for the Dolls. Mary Tyler Roar and Cleosplatra took the next jam, and the Bombshell defense – sensing an opportunity – sent everything they had after Mary. The Chinese-Bonesetter Connection held Mary back long enough for Bonnie Rotten to punk out the Dagger Doll jammer (sending Bonnie to Grandma’s Kitchen for tea, biscuits, and a one-minute penalty). Nonetheless, the gap increased just a bit between the two teams.

With four minutes to play and a ten-point margin between the ABS’ score and hope of going to the finals, Lizzy stepped to the line next to Scootaloo. On the second whistle, Lizzy bounded off the jammer line and was able to take lead and four points before coming afoul of Candi Pain and the Doll defense.

The final jam concluded with a final helping of defense keeping the jammers from scoring big, but the match finished with a good old-fashioned, bench-clearing brawl as Calamity Crush took fellow rookie Sinaminn to the woodshed.

With the final whistle, the Dagger Dolls are through to the final in April, and the Atomic Bombshells are booked for the 3rd-place match. Sparkle Ninja was named the Pizza Lucé Player of the Game for her outstanding performance, including getting a bout-high 26 points. Bonesetter, Buffy, and Marilyn Monrogue each took down two jammers in a tremendous defensive display. Final score: Dagger Dolls 50, Atomic Bombshells 42

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Bout #2: Rockits vs Garda Belts
The Garda Belts started out very, very well against the Dagger Dolls in February. They led at half-time by fifteen points but fell apart, losing in the end to the Dollies during sudden death. The Rockits likewise defeated the Garda Belts by working hard from whistle to whistle to keeping the Belts from taking any sustained advantage.

Suzie Smashbox started strong for the Garda Belts and gained four points on the Rockit pack Then – as an entire rotation of Rockit and Garda Belt jammers cycled through – the two teams’ jammers ran right into a swampy mess. Vuedoo Prodigy and Angelfire could not score as both jammers had difficulty passing the entire pack before a fresh blocker would cycle back in front of them. Demora Liza and Jawbreaker were next. Liza – another of the Garda Belt sophomores – debuted in high spirits as she stole a lead jam from Jawbreaker, but called it off during the lapping sprint when ‘Breaker passed her.

In a quick reversal of fortunes, Dudezilla won the lead in the very next jam, but called it off as the Rockit sideline pointed out Suzie’s near lapping of the pack ... still 4-0. Angelfire returned to the line against Abbie Mischief, took the lead and finally scored two points to the Rockits’ one – ending the point drought.

6-1 with eight minutes to play in the first half, the Garda Belts were keeping the Rockits at bay with smart decisions and continuing to take the tactical advantage by grabbing the lead jammer position every chance they could. However, this advantage for the Garda Belts dissipated as Angelfire and Jawbreaker came to the line. Demora Liza was able to shut the door on Jawbreaker earlier by taking the lead and calling off the jam; Angelfire got caught up by Killahertz, could not take the lead, and Jawbreaker broke free for eight points. For the first time that night, the Rockits were ahead.

Demora Liza led the next jam against Vuedoo, and it seemed that the Gardas would quickly answer back. However, a blocker takedown on Garda Belt Citizen Pain allowed the Rockits to gain on their opponents before the jam was called off, 11-7 Rockits.

The last three jams of the period did not bring the Garda Belts closer to the Rockits. Although the Garda Belt defense was able to hold the Rockits to only one more point, Scarmen Hellectra, Coochie Coup, and Soylent Mean (as well as Jawbreaker’s right shoulder – does it have a number yet?) shut down the Garda Belts completely. Suzie continued to walk through the defense, taking tiny hip whips off of her team to build up speed, but simply could not capitalize as the Rockit jammer would take the lead and call off the jam before points were scored. At the end of the first half, the Garda Belts were close on the heels of the Rockits, 12-7, as both teams hit the locker rooms and Dance Band hit the stage.

A brief, scoreless jam between Suzie Smashbox and Harmony Killerbruise started the second half as both teams searched for a rhythm. Vuedoo Prodigy and Demora Liza took the line next; Vuedoo took the lead as Liza ran into Coochie Coup, the Rockit pivot named Pizza Lucé Player of the Game. While Rumblebee worked to clear the road for the neophyte Garda jammer, Vuedoo earned a valuable point in this low-scoring game off the green team. A quick jam followed with Suzie Smashbox taking the lead and calling it off because the opposing jammer – Dudezilla – had gotten a march on her.

Angelfire and Jawbreaker returned to the line, and once again #86 took the lead to the cheers of the crowd, scoring four and calling off the jam before Angelfire had looped through to the back of the pack.

Killerbruise and Smashbox rotated in; Suzie – who went to the jammer line one out of every two of jams in the Garda Belt/Rockit game – took lead. Suzie’s method of using her own blockers for tiny, almost self-made hip-whips on the outside of the straight-aways continued to propel her through the pack and created enough interference that it was difficult for the Rockits to hit her. The Rockits called for a speedup of the pack, and Suzie scored only three on that jam.

Angelfire next had a particularly nasty exchange against Jawbreaker. ‘Breaker took lead and as Angelfire came out of the pack, #86 placed herself directly in the path of Angelfire’s trajectory, braked, and booty-blocked at a miserably slow pace inches in front of the Garda Belt. For a full minute and three full rotations around the track, #86 kept Angelfire at bay with precision slow skating until the Garda Belts slowed the pack enough for the jammers to re-engage. This was very clever work by the veteran Jawbreaker. A jammer can always engage the opposition jammer, and Jawbreaker cleverly exploited that rule: no points taken and the score remained 17-10 with the Garda Belts running out the time. Suzie, however, responded in the next jam by putting up four points for the Garda Belts and blanking Abbie Mischief.

Although there were five more jams, the Garda Belts did not score again. Vuedoo Prodigy took seven points for the Rockits, and the Belts were simply unable to respond in kind. Jawbreaker blocked a pivotal attempt by Suzie to score just long enough for Randi Stroyer to blindside the Garda Belt into the audience. Scarmen Hellectra, Killahertz, and Honeydew Felon all took pains to stop the Irish in their tracks and with a final tremendous jam of Jawbreaker, the Rockits booked their ticket to take on the Dagger Dolls at the finals. Final score: Rockits 30, Garda Belts 14.

And so with one bout remaining, we know who will be playing for the Golden Skate and who will be playing for 3rd. As the schedule would have it, we will be seeing a preview of both two matches at the very next bout ... something that also occurred last year. If last year is any indication, we will see the four teams trying out new combinations and giving players an opportunity to try out new positions. And while the stage is set for April 12th, 2008, be assured that the March 22nd bout will nonetheless be a barnstormer as the Dolls and Rockits each try to make it 3-0 and the Atomic Bombshells and Garda Belts work to avoid last place. See you there.

Reporting from where all the women are strong, all the men are accessories, and all the children turn left,
-Garrison Killer

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Final Scores:
Dagger Dolls 50 – Atomic Bombshells 42
Rockits 30 – Garda Belts 14

A message from The Alt Bike & Board:
The Alt Grand Jury has selected Atomic Bombshells player #13, Marilyn Monrogue, as our fourth winner of The Alt-Tastic Hit of the Bout for her vicious and sometimes suspect hits on the opposing team. Marilyn was chosen for her many shots, most of which put her in the penalty box or occured on the way to the penalty box after a different infraction. Illegal or not, she put out the best hits during the bout and that is how you win the award. For her efforts, Marilyn will be awarded a $30 gift certificate to The Alt and a mean helmet sticker signifying that she should be feared by all other rollergirls around the country.